


Assvengers The Group Chat

by AndrewXavier



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Freeform, Generation Z Peter Parker, Group chat, Harley will join, I'm Bad At Tagging, Iron Dad, Mentions of Violence, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Peter Parker is Tony Stark's Biological Child, Peter Parker is a Mess, Texting, also flash pisses himself, chat fic, eventually, its funny, spider son, why im bad at twitter fics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-06-25 04:34:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19738408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndrewXavier/pseuds/AndrewXavier
Summary: spooder: swiggitty swoogitty look what i didittyoranother chat fic . c'mon you know you want to





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spooder - Peter  
> Mister Stark - Tony  
> Mother Spider - Natasha  
> Thunder-God 3000 - Thor  
> Birb - Clint  
> Most Interesting Scientist - Bruce  
> Stove - Steve  
> Doctor Magic - Stephen

\

_ [8:10 AM] _

**spooder** created the group  **No Name**

**spooder** added  **Mister Stark, Mother Spider, Thunder-God 3000, Birb, Most Interesting Scientist, Stove, and Doctor Magic** to  **No Name**

**spooder** named the group  **Assvengers**

_ [ _ **_Mister Stark_ ** _ is online 8:12 AM] _

_ [ _ **_Stove_ ** _ is online 8:12 AM] _

**spooder:** swiggitty swoogitty look what i diditty

**Mister Stark:** Kid, what is this?

**spooder:** a group chat

_ [ _ **_Thunder-God 3000_ ** _ is online 8:13 AM] _

**Mister Stark:** Why? 

**Stove:** I agree with Tony. Also, why is there a cuss word in the name? I demand for it to be changed

**spooder:** lol no 

**Mother Spider:** wow that’s a surprise

**Thunder-God 3000:** BROTHERS AND SISTER IN ARMS, IT IS CLEAR WHY THE MAN OF SPIDER, SON OF STARK HAS MADE THIS “GROUP CHAT”

**Stove:** Wait, how old is Spider-Man?

_ [ _ **_Birb_ ** _ is online 8:15 AM] _

**Mister Stark:** He’s not my son

**spooder:** mr.stark isnt my dad

**Thunder-God 3000:** IT IS SO THAT WE MAY ALL COMMUNICATE IN A GROUP SETTING WHILE BEING AWAY FROM ONE ANOTHER. THANK YOU, MAN OF SPIDER FOR THIS COMMUNICATION PLATFORM

**spooder:** old enough

**Stove:** That’s not an answer, son.

**Birb:** I think youre lying Tony

**Mister Stark:** I’m not! I don’t have any children! 

**Thunder-God 3000:** IF YOU WISH TO KEEP LYING TO YOURSELF ABOUT YOUR RELATION I WILL COMPLY. 

**spooder:** yeah but secret identity, i could be 3. or i could be 98. ull never knoooow

**Birb:** suuuuuure you don’t Tony ;) 

**Mister Stark:** Thor, I can gaurentee that he is not my son. 

**Thunder-God 3000:** OF COURSE FRIEND TONY ;)

_ [ _ **_Mother Spider_ ** _ is online 8:18 AM] _

**Mother Spider:** why is thor in all caps?

**Mister Stark:** I thought it would remind us all of him more for his phone to only have caps.

**spooder:** id explain why hes not my dad but its not fun n secret identity

**Mister Stark:** You don’t have to, kiddie. Everyone just know that he’s not my son and that’s all.

**Mother Spider:** that’s a little sus 

**Stove:** At least tell me you’re of age, Spider-Man. 

**Birb:** Nat are you gonna?

**Mother Spider:** already on it ;)

**spooder:** i can not confirm or deny

**Stove:** Tony did I fight a child?

**spooder:** not sure if i should be scared or not

**Mister Stark:** I can neither confirm nor deny that. 

**Mother Spider:** don’t worry, you won’t get hurt

**spooder:** and you said mr.stark was sus

**Birb:** i think it’s sus you both said almost the exact same thing 

**Stove:** What does “sus” mean? 

**spooder:** just google it

**Stove:** ....

**Stove:** What is a “google”

**spooder:** its like a search engine that answers questions 

**Mister Stark:** Kid, it’s not “like a search engine” it is a search engine. 

**Stove:** …

**Stove:** What is a search engine? 

_ [ _ **_Doctor Magic_ ** _ is online 8:21 AM] _

**Doctor Magic:** Why am I here?

**spooder:** bc mr.stark has your number and i hacked friday

**Mister Stark:** Wait how did you do that?

**spooder:** im smarter than you 

**Stove:** I’m still confused.

**Mister Stark:** I am too. My kid hacked into my AI.

**Birb:** aha! so you admit he’s your kid

**spooder:** wat

**Mister Stark:** It was a slip. 

**Birb:** suuuuuuuure

**Stove:** Is no one going to help me?

**spooder:** i would but ur too old

**Birb** changed  **Mister Stark** ’s name to  **Iron Daddy**

**Birb** changed  **spooder** ’s name to  **Spider Son**

**Birb:** there we go

**Iron Daddy:** I give up.

**Doctor Magic:** I have to say, it is unnerving that we don’t know who Spider-Man is. But, if itis his wish to be unnamed then I will comply.

**Spider Son:** yea bc im a master at keeping secrets. also that would b v appriciated

**Stove:** I do not understand this colloquialism someone please.

**Iron Daddy:** No one help Cap.

**Stove:** :( 

**Spider Son:** so u dont understand slang but u can use emojis

**Stove:** What is an “emoji”

**Spider Son:** o that one is easy

**Iron Daddy:** Don’t

**Spider Son:** ok

**Stove:** :(

**Mother Spider:** hey baby spider, why did i find a video of you being crushed by a building? And then you lifting it off of you?? 

**Spider Son:** wait there’s video of that

**Iron Daddy:** WHAT? WHen were you crushed by a bulkding? Why didn;t Kanren tell me? Howe the fuck did you gett it ogf of yuo????

**Stove:** Language! 

**Spider Son:** uhhhh remember when u took away my suit

**Birb:** whos Karen? 

**Iron Daddy:** Okay, that’s it you are grounded from being Spider-Man. And Karen is the name he gave the AI I made for his suit.

**Spider Son:** but im fine! i was able to pick it up!!! that was like a year ago

**Mother Spider:** it’s concerning how strong you are. 

**Birb:** so you made him his own ai and you still say hes not yours? doubt.

**Iron Daddy:** You’re going to give me a heart attack Underoos. 

**Mother Spider:** you say he’s not your son but you just grounded him. 

_ [ _ **_Most Interesting Scientist_ ** _ is online 8:30 AM] _

**Iron Daddy:** No, I said he’s grounded from being Spider-Man. I can tell his suit to not work.

**Spider Son:** ok but can u not do that rn???? im kinda bein shot at

**Iron Daddy:** AND YOU’RE TEXTING? What am I going to do with you? 

**Mother Spider:** i don't have to be a master spy to see that he’s your kid, blood or not, tony

**Stove:** I have figured out what Google is! 

**Birb:** good for you, cap.

**Most Interesting Scientist:** If it would help, I’d be able to compare Spider-Man’s and Tony’s DNA with a paternity test

**Iron Daddy:** If Bruce did that, would everyone finally shut up about the kid being my son? 

**Birb:** mayhaps

**Mother Spider:** only if it comes back negative

**Thunder-God 3000:** I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT IT WILL COME BACK POSITIVE.

**Spider Son:** do i have to come and like give blood or smth? bc i hate needles

**Most Interesting Scientist:** I’m afraid so. 

**Iron Daddy:** No, we have his blood. It’s just under his real name. I’ll get it and bring it to you. 

**Stove:** Wait, is Spider-Man still being shot at? 

**Spider Son:** no i stole their guns and their hearts

**Stove:** You killed them?!? 

**Spider Son:** only with puns and kindness

**Stove:** But are they dead?

**Spider Son:** maybe on the inside. i mean, arent we all? 

**Stove:** You worry me.

**Mother Spider:** hey spider-man for no reason at all is PBP important?

**Spider Son:** uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

**Mother Spider:** that’s the only answer i need :) 

**Most Interesting Scientist:** Spider-Man, why is there spider DNA mixed in with your own? 

**Spider Son:** oh i was bitten by a radioactive spider thought it was obvious with the powers n stuff

**Iron Daddy:** What? How? When? Where? 

**Spider Son:** uh i had a field trip to oscorp and it was boring so i wandered and saw some weird looking spiders and one mustve gotten out bc next thing i know there was pain in my neck and i slapped it and there was a dead spider on my hand. i was sick for 2 days and then i could stick to walls and stuff. it was like 6 months before u found me? 

**Iron Daddy:** Every day my life span grows shorter from you. 

**Iron Daddy:** I could have died in a million other ways but it will be from the stress you’’re causing me.

**Spider Son:** sorry mr.stark.

**Most Interesting Scientist:** Okay, the results are in! 

**Stove:** Wait are we going to ignore that Spider-Man was on a field trip??? Like, what people in school do?? 

**Mother Spider:** no

**Iron Daddy:** Yes. Bruce, tell everyone how stupid they are for thinking Underoos is my kid.

**Most Interesting Scientist:** Well I can’t exactly say that.

**Spider Son:** wat

**Iron Dad:** Wait what? 

**Most Interesting Scientist:** Tony, you are the father of Spider-Man. It’s a 99.98% chance. 

**Birb:** i knew it

**Thunder-God 3000:** I KNEW IT! CONGRATULATIONS IN FINDING YOUR SHARED BLOOD, MAN OF SPIDERS AND DEAR FRIEND TONY

**Birb:** wait why are you guys surprised

**Spider Son:** my parents died when i was 4 wtfffff

**Iron Dad:** I have a son...

**Birb:** oh shit sorry

**Iron Dad:** My son is Spider-Man. 

**Stove:** Language! Also, my apologies Spider-Man.

**Spider Son:** im gonna….gooooo

_ [ _ **_Spider Son_ ** _ is offline 9:00 AM]  _

**Iron Daddy:** I need a drink

_ [ _ **_Iron Daddy_ ** _ is offline 9:01 AM] _

**Most Interesting Scientist:** I’m going to go make sure Tony doesn’t drink. We don’t need that. This stays here until Tony or Spider-Man say otherwise, got it everyone? 

**Mother Spider:** yeah, but i’m going to look into it more

_ [ _ **_Mother Spider_ ** _ is offline 9:03 AM] _

**Birb:** yeah, i dont think spider-baby can handle if it gets out 

**Doctor Magic:** It is not my secret to tell.

**Stove:** It would invade the privacy of both Spider-Man and Tony if I were to spread this information.

**Thunder-God 3000** : I DO NOT UNDERSTAND BUT I WILL RESPECT THE WISHES OF MY FRIENDS.

**Birb:** wait, Thor how did you know about Tony being Spide-Man’s dad?

**Thunder-God 3000:** I AM A GOD. WE JUST KNOW THESE THINGS.

**Doctor Magic:** Well, while this was entertaining I have things I must attend to.

_ [ _ **_Doctor Magic_ ** _ is offline 9:05 AM] _

**Most Interesting Scientist:** Oh no Tony is having a crisis. 

_ [ _ **_Most Interesting Scientist_ ** _ is offline 9:06 AM] _

**Stove:** I am going to look at this “Urban Dictionary” that is recommended everytime I look up a word I do not understand. Goodbye.

_ [ _ **_Stove_ ** _ is offline 9:07 AM] _

**Birb:** welp. 

_ [ _ **_Birb_ ** _ is offline 9:07 AM] _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mother Spider: isn’t Strange an actual doctor?
> 
> [Doctor Magic is online 1:24]
> 
> Doctor Magic: Yes, however i will only be able to guide as my hands are incapable of being steady. I will be there in a moment with a portal.
> 
> Mother Spider: i feel like i summoned him.
> 
> Mother Spider: awesome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea why this is doing so well  
> But I guess if you guys want it I'll make it happen.  
> This is the same day as the last chapter and we have some new friends!   
> Pottery Barn - Pepper  
> Honey Bear - Rhodey

_ [ _ **_Iron Daddy_ ** _ is online 12:51 PM] _

**Iron Daddy** added  **Honey Bear** and  **Pottery Barn** to  **Assvengers**

_ [ _ **_Honey Bear_ ** _ is online 12:52 PM] _

_ [ _ **_Pottery Barn_ ** _ is online 12:52 PM] _

**Iron Daddy:** Read the above I can’t explain anything.

**Honey Bear:** Tony how the hell?

**Iron Daddy:** I don't know!!! 

**Pottery Barn:** Who even is he Tony?

**Iron Daddy:** You’ve seen him, and he wants his privacy so I won’t say where or when. But I’m scared Pep! 

**Pottery Barn:** Stark I swear if it’s that kid from Queens

_ [ _ **_Mother Spider_ ** _ is online 12:59 PM] _

**Mother Spider:** i’ve done digging. 

**Mother Spider:** and i think you’re right, pepper

**Mother Spider:** Remember the winter gala in 2000, Tony? 

**Pottery Barn:** TONY! 

**Iron Daddy:** Not really.

**Iron Daddy:** Oh.

**Iron Daddy:** And it’s a good thing I found him! He was in a onesie before! I gave him something that can keep him safe! 

_ [ _ **_Stove_ ** _ is online 1:02 PM] _

**Stove:** I am learning slang! 

**Stove:** Wait...

**Iron Daddy:** Oh no

**Stove:** If you don’t remember something from 2000

**Pottery Barn:** You deserve this, Tony.

**Stove:** And it was in winter…

**Stove:** THE KID IS 16??? TONY! 

**Iron Daddy:** I don’t want to hear it right now, spangles. Sort of dealing with the fact that he’s my kid. 

**Stove:** This is the most irresponsible thing you’ve done.

**Pottery Barn:** No, that was getting so messed up at a winter gala that he now has a kid. But it’s high up there. 

**Stove:** I dropped an airport terminal on a child.

_ [ _ **_Spider Son_ ** _ is online 1:04 PM] _

**Spider Son:** o hi miss potts, colonel rhodes idk mr.stark was gonna add u 2

**Pottery Barn:** Hello.

**Honey Bear:** Just called me Rhodey

**Spider Son:** ok rhodey

**Spider Son:** also ye im 16

**Iron Daddy:** Oh but calling me Tony is so hard

**Spider Son:** thats different

**Iron Daddy:** How???

**Spider Son:** u saved my life when i was a kid n ur like my idol

**Iron Daddy:** WHEN

**Stove:** So you stan him? Am I using that correctly? It was the first thing I saw.

**Spider Son:** stark expo. one of those bots was about to hit me and i put up my gauntlet i got from the iron man merch table and then you came up and said “nice work kid”

**Spider Son:** n ye cap ur getting it now

**Stove:** :)

**Iron Dady:** You just have a knack for putting yourself into dangerous situations. 

**Birb:** its almost as if its genetic

**Mother Spider:** as much as this warms my heart, we should talk about today’s discovery.

**Stove:** Agreed.

**Pottery Barn:** Agreed.

**Spider Son:** id rather nooot

**Iron Daddy:** I’m with the kid on this.

**Pottery Barn:** No, Tony. This is something that needs attention right now. 

**Iron Daddy:** But underoos said he didn’t want to!

**Spider Son:** if miss potts says it needs to be talked about im going with her

**Iron Daddy:** This is betrayal.

**Spider Son:** she’s scARY! 

**Spider Son:** o no

**Iron Daddy:** What’s wrong? 

**Iron Daddy:** Kid?

**Mother Spider:** this is concerning. 

**Iron Daddy:** C’mon Underoos, answering is polite and you’re all about that.

_ [ _ **_Birb_ ** _ is online 1:20 PM] _

**Spider Son:** uhhhhhhh i might have gotten shot?

**Iron Daddy:** WHAT

**Birb:** dont do that its not healthy

**Spider Son:** its ok im heading home

**Iron Daddy:** Oh not you don’t. You’re coming to the medbay if I have to drag your ass there myself.

**Spider Son:** its fine ill just take the bullet out with mays tweezers n super healing will take over

**Birb:** that is also unhealthy. and whos May

**Spider Mother:** his aunt

**Iron Daddy:** Nope. I’m coming over and I swear if you have tweezers in a bullet hole I’m going to lock you in the tower. 

**Spider Son:** …

**Spider Son:** wait how did u know shes my aunt???

**Spider Mom:** i have my ways

**Honey Bear:** Cho just left for vacation and Bruce out so I’ll come to the medbay. Lord knows I’ve stitched Tones up enough times to be of some help

**Iron Daddy:** There’s some painkillers labeled Spidey, get them. They’re the only that will work fully, cap’s are too weak.

**Birb:** hooow 

**Birb:** oh right radioactive spider

**Mother Spider:** isn’t Strange an actual doctor?

_ [ _ **_Doctor Magic_ ** _ is online 1:24] _

**Doctor Magic:** Yes, however i will only be able to guide as my hands are incapable of being steady. I will be there in a moment with a portal.

**Honey Bear:** Tones uhhh theres an orange portal whhhhat do i doooo there’s a guy and a cape and oh.

**Mother Spider:** i feel like i summoned him.

**Mother Spider:** awesome

**Doctor Magic:** For the record, it is a sentient cloak. Now I must prepare for assisting Rhodey.

_ [ _ **_Doctor Magic_ ** _ is offline 1:26] _

**Spider Son:** that sounds cool

**Stove:** I am biggleboggled is this normal?

**Spider Son:** wow u really did go on ud

**Birb:** i feel like he went with the funnest word for confused

**Stove:** Mayhaps.

**Iron Daddy:** Got the kid, bringing him in now

**Spider Son:** its fiiiiiine i had it handled

**Birb:** suuuure

**Mother Spider:** suuuuuuuure

**Pottery Barn:** Sure, totally had it handled. Totally didn’t scare us all. 

**Spider Son:** yeah! 

**Spider Son:** wait

**Iron Daddy:** We are going to have a new person in the tower for the next month. 

**Mother Spider:** so he had the tweezers? 

**Spider Son:** i just wanted to make mr.war machine not have to deal with getting a bullet out

**Iron Daddy:** For the record, he didn’t disinfect it at all so

**Honey Bear:** What happened to calling me Rhodey? 

**Birb:** jfc hes almost as irresponsible as you Tony 

**Iron Daddy:** Welcome to my life platypus 

**Iron Daddy:** He called me Tony only once and that was when he was telling me how memes prove that god has abandoned this timeline.

**Spider Son:** no i was telling u that certian unwholesome memes are why he left this timeline like memes about messed up shit

**Iron Daddy:** No cursing, you’re like 12

**Stove:** LANGUAGE! Especially for a child

_ [ _ **_Honey Bear_ ** _ is offline 1:30 PM] _

**Spider Son:** im 16 :((

**Iron Daddy:** Okay, he’s getting treated now for everyone not here

**Spider Son:** my side feels like a buffalo tried to make me its bitch

**Iron Daddy:** WHAT DID I JUST SAY

**Spider Son:** father forgive me for i have sinned and daddy i’ve been naughty are the same thing 

**Birb:** whyy would you say that

**Spider Son:** im a disaster gay and thork was the relization of that like hes so pretty hnnngn

**Iron Daddy:** That’s how you’re coming out?

**Spider Mother:** a disaster gay was the gay awakening for another disaster gay

**Spider Son:** maayabeh

**Spider Son:** wait thor is gay

**Birb:** i mean Thor made me realize i was bi after a few drinks ;)

**Iron Daddy:** THERE IS A CHILD! 

**Spider Son:** who says i havnmt done that

**Iron Daddy:** Kid, be glad I’m ignoring that and not telling May.

**Spider Son:** parker is such a weird last name. am i supposed to park things??? or should i keep a park? 

**Iron Daddy:** Kid, that is coming very close to telling them who you are.

**Spider Son:** mayhaps they should know i mean the mother spider, the reason mj is gay, already knows bc sheeeeeeees a kick ass spy

**Mother Spider:** i’m flattered

**Stove:** Your cursing is why god has abandoned us

**Spider Son:** go cap! hes gettin gooood at this slagn

**Stove:** It is disturbing how many definitions on this site are relating to sexual activities.

**Spider Son:** ok nvmd

**Stove:** Rude.

**Iron Daddy:** Kid, stop texting. 

**Mother Spider:** you’re in the same room as him???? 

**Iron Daddy:** He’s not paying attention to anything but his phone. Would take it away but he’s too strong ;(

**Spider Son:** nooooo onnnne jas control over me i can scream from the rooftops that i am perte benjakijn parkef

_ [ _ **_Spider Son_ ** _ is offline 1:44 PM] _

**Iron Daddy:** Well he’s asleep now.

**Spider Mother:** and he mispelt his name,

**Birb:** so it’s not Perte Benjakijn Parkef? 

**Spider Mother:** it’s close but i think we should wait until he’s not on painkillers to discuss his identity

**Iron Daddy:** I second that. Give my kid his privacy.

**Birb:** ok but only because i think Friday will give it away if i try to look up anything

**Pottery Barn:** Give him privacy or else.

**Spider Mom:** clint do not make me stab you 

**Birb:** i wont!!!! 

**Spider Mom:** good i don't want to wash blood out from the carpet

**Iron Daddy:** You wouldn’t have to I have people to clean up messes. I pay them enough to stay silent. 

**Stove:** Tones, that’s not a good lesson to teach your child.

**Iron Daddy:** I’m Tony motherfucking Stark. I do what I want. 

**Stove:** LANGUAGE

**Iron Daddy:** ENGLISH!

**Birb:** well it was fun being threatened and all but i must hide from Nat.

**Pottery Barn:** And me. I got the notification, Barton. 

**Iron Daddy:** And me, this is my kid! I said one thing! Clint I am going to hang your head on my wall! 

**Birb:** oh shit

_[_ ** _Birb_** _is offline 1:50 PM]_

**Stove:** Guys, violence isn’t the answer here.

**Mother Spider:** shut it

**Pottery Barn:** The kid’s privacy was violated shouldn’t you be joining the witch hunt? 

**Stove:** Oh. Yeah. Okay, that’s logical. I’ll join.

**Iron Daddy:** Alright, lets hunt a bird.

_ [ _ **_Mother Spider_ ** _ is offline 1:53 PM] _

_ [ _ **_Iron Daddy_ ** _ is offline 1:53 PM] _

  
_ [ _ **_Pottery Barn_ ** _ is offline 1:53 PM] _


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mother Spider: you’re trapped clint
> 
> Birb: im sorry?
> 
> Iron Daddy: Sorry doesn’t cut it come down here like a man and fight me.
> 
> Mother Spider: or be a bussy and fight me
> 
> Birb: i feel like it would be manlier to stay here
> 
> Iron Daddy: That’s…fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea why this is doing so good? But thanks for all the Kudos!  
> Same day still bc of course it is  
> May joins in this chapter so ye

_ [ _ **_Iron Daddy_ ** _ is online 4:05 PM] _

_ [ _ **_Pottery Barn_ ** _ is online 4:05 PM] _

_ [ _ **_Mother Spider_ ** _ is online 4:05 PM] _

**Iron Daddy:** He couldn’t have left the tower. I put it on lockdown when he looked up the kid’s name

**Pottery Barn:** Good thing it’s a Sunday.

**Iron Daddy:** Floors B3-62 are clear.

**Mother Spider:** i think i can see him

**Iron Daddy:** Where are you?

**Mother Spider:** in the vents on the 63rd floor next to the bathrooms

**Iron Daddy:** Be there in a second.

**Pottery Barn:** I’ve cut off that floors vents so he’ll be trapped

**Iron Daddy:** Miss Potts you are getting another raise.

**Pottery Barn:** Damn right.

_ [ _ **_Birb_ ** _ is online 4:09 PM] _

**Mother Spider:** you’re trapped clint

**Birb:** im sorry?

**Iron Daddy:** Sorry doesn’t cut it come down here like a man and fight me.

**Mother Spider:** or be a bussy and fight me

**Birb:** i feel like it would be manlier to stay here

**Iron Daddy:** That’s…fair 

_ [ _ **_Spider Son_ ** _ is online 4:11PM] _

**Spider Son:** guys…its cool that he knows

**Spider Son:** dont kill him it isnt nice

**Spider Mother:** shouldn’t you be resting spiderling

**Birb:** who care let me be free and living! 

**Iron Daddy:** But your privacy! 

**Spider Son:** i wanted to tell but painmeds made my fingers all loopy

**Spider Son:** and im fine miss black widow fact healing its a scar now

**Birb:** so am i freed from being hunted??? 

**Pottery Barn:** Yes.

**Iron Daddy:** But Pep!

**Spider Son:** its fine mr.stark 

**Spider Son:** and for the recond my name is Peter Benjamin Parker

**Pottery Barn:** And now that Peter is more lucid I believe we have something to discuss.

**Iron Daddy:** Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine

**Spider Son:** uhhhh what is there to discuss about it? 

**Pottery Barn:** Well, I think we should tell you aunt.

**Spider Son:** o ye she might want to know

**Spider Son** added  **Burner Of Food** to  **Assvengers**

_ [ _ **_Burner Of Food_ ** _ is online 4:15 PM] _

**Spider Son:** maay mr.stark is my dad

**Burner Of Food:** well, he does treat you like his son.

**Spider Son:** no i mean like,,biologically 

**Burner Of Food:** I’m sorry, wat? 

**Iron Daddy:** We did a parenity test because some idiots kept on insisting that Peter was my son and they came back positive.

**Birb:** i dont think calling Thor an idiot is a good idea

**Burner Of Food:** how??? Mary and Richard were so happy with each other STARK WHAT HAPPENED? 

**Mother Spider:** at the winter gala in 2000 mary and richard got in a fight and then mary started to flirt with tony

**Mother Spider:** it’s all clear from the videos of that night

**Burner Of Food:** Ben did have to talk to Richard that night if I remember correctly…

**Pottery Barn:** Well, with this new delevlopment it would make sense, if Peter is okay with it of course, that Tony has joint custody with you.

**Spider Son:** im cool with it 

**Burner Of Food:** well it would help since msot of my money goes to food since Peter eats more than ever.

**Iron Daddy:** So is that a yes?

**Burner Of Food:** yes

**Pottery Barn:** Great! I’ll get the paperwork all organized. 

**Burner Of Food:** okay. i’ll have to go now, gotta get this bread.

_ [ _ **_Burner Of Food_ ** _ is offline 4:20] _

**Spider Son:** heh 420

**Iron Daddy:** Hey kid, want to come buy stuff for your room? The one at the compound has stuff in it but not the one here. Since until right now it was an extra room in my penthouse.

**Spider Son:** uh sure? is there like a limit to how much i can spend

**Iron Daddy:** Peter. I’m a gazillionaire

**Spider Son:** thats not a real #

**Birb:** its not a hastag??

**Spider Son:** # isn’t limited to what social media made it. the development of social media has corrupted the meaning of several symbols in the modern era in this essay i will-

**Mother Spider:** clint you were born before it was a hastag why

**Pottery Barn:** Has anyone told Steve that the bird hunt is off?

**Mother Spider:** no

**Iron Daddy:** No

**Birb:** fuck

**Spider Son:** mr.hawkeye we dont use the fuck word! 

**Birb:** frik?

**Birb:** also call me Clint

**Birb:** or uncle clint

**Birb:** blease call me uncle before you call anyone else uncle

**Iron Daddy:** If he wants to call one of you idiots uncle let him do it on his own terms.

**Spider Son:** ok uncle clint

**Birb:** yesssssssssssssssssssssssssss

**Spider Mother:** in that case call me aunt nat 

_ [ _ **_Stove_ ** _ is online 4:24 PM] _

**Stove:** Why isn’t anyone hurting Clint?

**Spider Son:** my name is Peter and its cool that he knows

**Stove:** Oh

**Stove:** Well in that case back to Urban Dictionary I go. 

**Spider Son:** lit

_ [ _ **_Honey Bear_ ** _ is online 4:26 PM] _

**Iron Daddy:** Peter you never answered me.

**Spider Son:** i thought it was obvious???? im in the elevator

**Honey Bear:** He is. He just scared me half to death by detaching himself from the heart monitor.

**Spider Son:** sorry rhodey

**Spider Son:** uhhh someone is getting ontp the private o its mr.captain america 

**Stove:** TONY THIS CHILD IS TINY

**Stove:** HE IS BABEY

**Spider Son:** uh mr.captian america is getting mad

**Stove:** YOU HAD ME FIGHT THE EQUIVALENT OF A FETUS

**Honey Bear:** That’s an overreaction.

**Spider Son:** also im not a babey 

**Spider Son:** dad you might want to hide

**Stove:** you are b a b e y 

**Iron Daddy:** Good idea.

**Spider Son:** yyyyy didnt you move i gave warning

**Pottery Barn:** I think you calling him dad made him short circuit. 

**Spider Son:** o srry

**Iron Daddy:** Get out of that suit I’ll find something for you to wear until we have clothes for you here.

**Spider Son:** ok

**Pottery Barn:** I’ll have all of the paperwork faxed to you later Tony. I have a meeting.

_ [ _ **_Pottery Barn_ ** _ is offline 4:29 PM] _

**Stove:** Why are you three texting? You’re in the same room?

**Spider Son:** so were you when you started typing

**Stove:** Touche

**Mother Spider:** i think that you should share a picture of yourself peter

**Mother Spider:** so that everyone can see what you look like

**Mother Spider:** so we don't have to deal with people thinking youre lying 

**Spider Son:** ok

**Spider Son:** [selfie 7548.jpeg]  _ A picture of Peter with messy hair smiling. He’s wearing a MIT sweater that is faded and clearly well loved. Behind him Tony is seen holding an ice pack to his face, where a bruise is blossoming. A blur is seen in the corner, which if you are Natasha or the type of person to stan Captain America is Steve’s left leg walking away. _

**Honey Bear:** Aw. He’s wearing one of Tones’ favorite sweaters. I’m touched. 

**Spider Son:** wait this is one of dads favorites? 

**Iron Daddy:** Rhodes you made my kid cry.

**Spider Son:** THEYRE HAPPY TEARS

**Spider Mother:** peter, I would kill for you.

**Spider Son:** please dont

**Spider Mother:** what about this brat at your school who keeps on calling you penis and getting physical

**Spider Son:** dont flash is fine im ok with it. better me than someone who could actually get hurt.

**Spider Mother:** but he has hurt you

**Iron Daddy:** What???? Someone’s bullying you, Pete??

**Honey Bear:** Tones, you used to be a bully

**Iron Daddy:** Yeah but now I defend the Earth. 

**Spider Son:** i meant like hurting and it lasting more than a few hours n its fine im used to it

**Iron Daddy:** You shouldn’t be used to being bullied!

**Honey Bear:** Says you.

**Spider Mother:** you shouldnt be used to being beat up

**Spider Son:** i wouldnt say he beats me up…

**Spider Mother:** really? cos this video i found looks a lot like you being beat up.

**Iron Daddy:** What video? Nat I’m coming down to see this. And yes Rhodes I’ve made past mistakes but Igave them all money as an apology.

**Stove:** Bullying isn’t lit. I am disappointed in you Tony. 

**Spider Son:** ya mr.captian america ive seen ur psas like 20000 times

**Spider Mother:** where are you tony

**Spider Son:** oh im holding him back

**Spider Mother:** how are you texting??

**Spider Son:** it only takes one hand to stop him

**Honey Bear:** Uh

**Stove:** It’s true. He’s sticking to a wall and is holing onto Tony’s arm.

**Birb:** what even are the extent of your powers

**Spider Son:** uh super strength, fast healing, enhanced senses including my spidey sense, fast metabolism, stickiness, super speed uhmmm

**Spider Son:** i think thats it

**Birb:** so you cant call spiders to help you? Boo

**Spider Son:** im glad i cant they scare me

**Spider Mother:** you're scared of spiders?

**Spider Son:** well yeah last time i got bit i was sick for 2 days and thought i was gonna die

**Honey Bear:** That’s fair.

**Spider Son:** i have been betryaed

**Spider Mother:** i never agreed to anything

**Birb:** wat

**Iron Daddy:** Nat was helpful for me. Now i am going to fight a child.

**Honey Bear:** Tony no.

**Iron Daddy:** Tony yes! 

**Spider Son:** well now mr.captian america is holding him 

**Spider Son:** anyways, anyone want pizza im starving

**Birb:** as long as there isnt pineapple im down

**Spider Son:** youre not allowed pineapple helps bring out the savory and adds a new dimension to the regular, boring pizza. in this essay i will-

**Birb:** nooooooooo ;(((((((((((

**Spider Son:** i suppose we can get one that doesnt

**Birb:** yessss :)))))))

**Mother Spider:** did you just say pizza is boring? 

**Spider Son:** its not really i just like having more flavors and contrast

**Mother Spider:** noted.

**Spider Son:** should i be afraid?

**Mother Spider:** no

**Honey Bear:** No

**Birb:** probably

**Iron Daddy:** I swear to do no harm to the idiot that hurts my kid. Happy cap?

**Stove:** No, but it works. 

**Spider Son:** yy?

**Stove:** So that there’s many witnesses.

**Spider Son:** ok dad can we get pizza pleaseeeee

**Birb:** yeahhhh pleassse

**Iron Daddy:** Fine. Peter is getting his own pizza because pineapple is disgusting.

**Spider Son:** BETRAYAL OF THE HIGHEST DEGREE

**Spider Son:** LAST WEEK YOU ATE PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA AND SAID THAT IT HAD OPENED YOUR EYES TO SOMETHING NEW

**Birb:** TONY! 

**Iron Daddy:** Okay fine, it’s not too bad. But you’re still getting your own pizza.

**Spider Son:** victory! 

**Birb:** betrayal 

**Honey Bear:** So it took a kid for you to agree with what I’ve been saying for literally decades? 

**Spider Son:** uncle rhodey is my new favorite

**Iron Daddy:** Now I’m betrayed.

**Honey Bear:** He’s your kid, Tones. 

**Iron Daddy:** That’s still weird.

**Spider Son:** yeah

**Spider Son:** anyways PIZZA! 

_ [ _ **_Spider Son_ ** _ is offline 4:52 PM] _

**Iron Daddy:** Pizza’s here, whoever wants it come up. 

_ [ _ **_Iron Daddy_ ** _ is offline 4:53 PM] _

_ [ _ **_Birb_ ** _ is offline 4:53 PM] _

_ [ _ **_Mother Spider_ ** _ is offline 4:54 PM] _

_ [ _ **_Stove_ ** _ is offline 4:54 PM] _

  
_ [ _ **_Honey Bear_ ** _ is offline 4:55 PM] _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you guess my favorite pizza topping?   
> if you guys want anything (or anyone) added to this then ask for it and i will try my best!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is really short, but its setting up for the next chapter which is more like a regular fic and will be up sooner than this one was. this is later because i was trying to come up with a plot but wrote another fic instead and then became friends with my favorite author on this godforsaken site

_[_ **_Burner Of Food_ ** _is online 7:32 PM]_

_[_ **_Pottery Barn_ ** _is online 7:32 PM]_

_[_ **_Iron Daddy_ ** _is online 7:32 PM]_

**Iron Daddy:** May, I have an offer for you. 

**Burner Of Food:** go on

**Iron Daddy:** You can come live in the tower, all expenses paid. It only is fair since Pete is my kid and you’ve been having to raise him this entire time. Repayment in the form of living here with extra security in case something happens.

**Pottery Barn:** By “something” he’s referring to Peter sharing that he’s Tony’s son and you getting kidnapped due to how close you are with Peter.

**Burner Of Food:** well it is probably the safest place to live in all of nyc. I’m just more concerned about my lease now, but yes, as long as Peter is fine with it I am too.

**Pottery Barn:** Don’t worry about your lease. I’ll talk with your landlord and get it taken care of. 

**Burner Of Food:** let’s get Peter’s opinion on it first.

_[_ **_Spider Son_ ** _is online 7:35 PM]_

**Spider Son:** dad told me to come on, wats up? 

**Pottery Barn:** read the above, dear

**Spider Son:** o ye im cool with moving in here

**Iron Daddy:** Great! We can have some people come by and grab anything you want to keep tomorrow morning and then Pep can talk to your landlord in the afternoon. Is that good?

**Burner Of Food:** yeah I won’t have work until 5

**Iron Daddy:** Okay. 

**Pottery Barn:** Everything is set.

**Spider Son:** ok well im gonna get back to beating uncle clint at mario kart

_[_ **_Spider Son_ ** _is offline 7:39 PM]_

**Burner Of Food:** we will need to change information with the school when the paperwork with guardianship is ready and then address change after that so that its Pete living with his dad. thats still weird btw Stark

**Iron Daddy:** You’re telling me

**Pottery Barn:** Well I’m getting the paperwork set up tomorrow morning. Tony, you should go to the school early with Happy to pick Peter up and get everything situated

  
**Iron Daddy:** I feel like May being there might be helpful as well

**Burner Of Food:** Im not sure if Ill be able to and get to work on time

**Pottery Barn:** Ok well, how about you write an email explaining all of this to the school and call them, just to make sure. Then Tony will come in about an hour before school ends and get all the paperwork done. 

**Iron Daddy:** Yes Miss Potts

**Burner Of Food:** okay Ill do that right now. thanks to both of you, not just for this but for taking care of Peter. 

_ [ _ **_Burner Of Food_ ** _ is offline 7:45 PM] _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr is hubofinsanity if you want to talk or see what else I enjoy  
> Come join me on Discord! https://discord.gg/XpYDC8Q


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The room was silent as Tony walked over to Peter “Pete, c’mon Happy’s waiting. I was thinking we could go get some ice cream since all the paperwork is done.” He put his hand on Peter’s shoulder as his friend Ted or Ned or whatever started to clearly internally freak out.
> 
> “But I want to learn?” Peter seemed mortified. The fact that he wanted to learn about Nazis over ice cream with his dad was proof of that. 
> 
> “C’mon, Cap can tell you all about the Nazis he punched.” He closed Peter’s notebook for him and put it into Peter’s backpack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like i said last time, this is more like one of my other non group chat fics. If you don't want to read it I'll put basically what happens at the end, along with the format for the next chapter (since it's not group chat again until the one after) This little arc of Peter and Tony's relationship is going to play into what i have planned for the rest of this so yeahh

“So the kid is going to be picked up every day? And brought back to the tower?”

“Yes Happy, that’s what I said  _ five times.  _ There’s also the fact that he’s my kid. Biologically, I mean.” Tony looked at his head of security, who was pulling up to Midtown School of Science and Technology. Hogan turned to look at his boss wide eyed before turning back to the road. 

“Tony, what in the actual hell?”

“Uh winter gala, 2000. You remember who I left with?”

“That...that was Peter’s mom?”

“Yup,” Tony said, popping the p. 

Happy sighed as he pulled into a parking spot close to the school’s entrance. Since it was an hour before school even let out, there was none of the traffic that the head of security hated. Tony opened the door and stepped out as soon as Happy parked, grabbing the paperwork that Pepper had handed to him after they had settled the split of guardianship. He walked to the front office doors and stepped inside.

He walked up to a star struck attendant, who was looking at her colleagues, making sure that she wasn’t hallucinating Tony Motherfucking Stark being in a high school front office. 

“Hi, I need to get some new developments sorted out for a student here. Peter Parker? Yeah, I’m a legal guardian of him now and he’s living at Stark Tower as of yesterday.” He gave the woman a big smile and she just blinked.

“Oh well I will need confirmation from his current gauriden uhhh May Parker.” The secretary began to type away at her computer.

“She sent out an email last night and left a voicemail. I could also call her right now, and her signature is on the papers I have here. She couldn’t come due to work” Tony handed over the papers with a polite smile, reminding himself that he has to be nice because this is Peter’s school and very important. The woman looked over them before focusing back on the computer. 

“Oh here’s the email. Alright, well I’ll just have to see your ID and then make copies of this for our records. If you want to pick up Peter, I can call him up here.” With a few words Tony’s mind came up with a brilliant (and slightly evil) plan. He handed over his ID while asking the one question that would make or break his idea. 

“Actually, could you tell me where he is? I want to go grab him myself, since he isn’t expecting anything and I want to surprise him. Oh, and try to keep this on the downlow. We’re giving Peter the opportunity to come out to the public with this information himself.” 

“Oh, well sure thing I’ll just need to get you a visitor’s pass. You’ll have to go through those doors and then up the stairs to the second floor, he’s in room 234. And we will follow all procedures necessary to guarantee student confidentiality.” She passed back his ID with a visitors pass and a smile.

Tony smiled and put the visitors pass on his chest, taking back the paperwork after the woman had finished making her copies. The billionaire followed the secretary’s instructions. He looked inside the classroom, where he could see many students. He recognized the back of Peter’s head, sitting next to his friends. Tony smiled as Peter answered a question correctly. He knocked on the door and opened it up, stopping the teacher mid-lecture on Captain America punching Nazis. 

The room was silent as Tony walked over to Peter “Pete, c’mon Happy’s waiting. I was thinking we could go get some ice cream since all the paperwork is done.” He put his hand on Peter’s shoulder as his friend Ted or Ned or whatever started to clearly internally freak out.

“But I want to learn?” Peter seemed mortified. The fact that he wanted to learn about Nazis over ice cream with his dad was proof of that. 

“C’mon, Cap can tell you all about the Nazis he punched.” He closed Peter’s notebook for him and put it into Peter’s backpack.

The teacher sputtered to life with, “You can’t take Peter. Only legal guardians can remove students unless its an emergency.”

“Well, I have the paperwork here saying I’m Pete’s guardian. Along with permission from the front office. Also I’m Tony Stark, I do what I want.” He opened the folder containing all the papers and showed the teacher. He blinked and looked to Peter. 

“Is...is he telling the truth?” 

“Well I mean I knew that he was going to be taking guardianship and that he was going to come get everything set with the people in the front office but I didn't know he was coming to pick me up, but yeah he’s telling the truth uh.” Peter looked at Tony, and the two began to have a nonverbal conversation 

_ WHY are you here _

_ To embarrass you, duh _

_ Can I tell them you’re my dad?  _

_ Only if you want to. Your choice. _

Peter looked back at his teacher “Plus he’s my dad. So-”

“Okay, I could maybe believe the internship, but all of this is just great, Penis. What did you do, get on your knees and do some special begging for this?” An annoying voice came from the other side of the room.

Tony turned to the kid who was speaking with a glare that could probably kill, if not maim horrifically. He took one step to the child. Tony realized he recognized the kid from the video Natasha had shown him the day before. “Shut your fucking mouth about my son. Not only is that so disgusting but it is illegal. ”

“Dad, Uncle Steve said no to you hurting children.”

“He never said anything about verbally threatening, Peter. Get all of your things. Now, back to you. If I hear word of you bullying my son ever again I will have your name blacklisted from all colleges ever for bad mouthing the future CEO of Stark Industries. Or his friends for that matter, since MJ is so terrifying she would probably be a good head of security. And Ted-” 

“Ned”

“Whatever, Leeds is so smart he could probably be used as a personal technological expert for Peter. His name is Peter, by the way not Penis. Not all that smart of an insult really. So, kid who i don’t care enough to even know the name of-”

“Eugene Thompson”

“Thanks MJ, Eugene if you even dare to speak illy of my son again I will personally make sure you will never lay your hands on a piece of Stark technology again. And I will know, Black Widow has shown me videos of you beating him up, and she will look for even more videos because for some reason she loves Peter. The moment your grubby hands touch-” 

“Okay, c’mon stop threatening people with Aunt Nat. See you later Ned, MJ” Peter grabbed Tony’s hand and dragged him as he tried to sputter out another threat to Flash, who looked as if he had pissed his pants. That was confirmed when a moment later he asked to see the nurse and left a puddle in his seat. 

Peter dragged his Dad back to the car, even after he said it was okay and he wasn’t going to go threaten the kid again. He only let go of Tony’s hand when they were outside of the car. Peter made sure Tony got in first before sitting.

“Hey Happy. Did you know that dad just threatened a 16 year old?”

“Was it that Flash kid?” Happy looked to Tony through the rearview mirror as Peter answered. 

“Yeah.”

“Wait, is that like his nickname? That’s so stupid.” Tony scoffed as he pulled out his phone.

“I consider it a good thing. Now I won’t feel the need to punch him.” Happy began to drive to an ice cream place that was close to the school. And expensive. 

“Watch it Haps, your feelings are showing,” Tony joked as Peter swooned with, “Awe Happy, you do care” 

“Where to now, boss?” Happy said before Peter could say anything else.

“Uh, ice cream place. Somewhere that has mint chocolate chip. I’m feeling minty.” 

“Alright.” 

A few moments later, Tony and Peter were eating from ice cream cones, Tony with mint chocolate chip, and Peter with strawberry. 

“So, tell me, do you want to be public about everything?” Tony was worried. “Because I don’t think that it would be smart to ignore it.” 

“Yeah, I just don’t know the best way.”

“Well, we can do a lot of things. We can hold a press conference, post it on social media, shout it from the streets to paparazzi,” Tony smiles as Peter laughs. 

“Uh, how about we post it on all Stark Industries social media and all of yours. Just a pictures of us and an announcement. Then after a few days we can have a press conference. Just no daily bugle. They bash on Spider-Man too much.” Peter licked at some ice cream that was melting down the cone as Tony thought it over.

“Okay, sure. What should the picture and caption be, Petey?” Tony wanted Peter to make the decision. It’s a bigger part of his life in a sense. Peter thought his father was dead, but here was Tony being his dad all along. The older man just wanted to make sure his kid was comfortable with everything going on. Lord knew that Howard never gave him that chance.

“How about something really domestic and then like ‘Here’s Tony with his son Peter as they do yada yada’ or something like that?” 

“Domestic, eh? I’m not sure how domestic I can get. Should we put on frilly pink aprons?” Peter laughed almost dropping his ice cream. The two quickly finished as they discussed what would be going on in the domestic photo to be paired with the announcement.

“Wait, do we have to change my last name to Stark?” 

“We can hyphen it. Pep already has the paperwork ready, just needs you to confirm before it goes out.”

“Okay, let’s do that.”

So, father and son went to buy what was needed for the announcement of the youngest Stark. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kay so if you didn't read this BASICALLY   
> Tony gets stuff done for the paperwork and logistics of Peter's high school, he;s legal guardian  
> Tony fuckin yells at Flash and Flash wets himself  
> Peter tells his history class that he's tony's son  
> The boys get ice cream and plan on how to tell the public, settling on posting a picture on social media with a caption and will later hold a press conference.  
> Next chapter is going to have social media elements (Instagram and Twitter mostly)   
> Join me on Discord you might see like sneak peaks on this and my other projects: https://discord.gg/XpYDC8Q   
> Come yell at me on tumblr, my username is Hubofinsanity


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why I don't have a twitter fic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've spent so long trying to get this to be better. this is as good as its gonna get. also im posting a bunch cos my friend is on a trip and i wanna suprise him so all in all these next few chapters are for Flick aka the demon bat

**Twitter**

**Stark Industries Official** _ @siofficial _

Here is Tony Stark, with his son Peter Parker-Stark baking cookies because Peter’s aunt isn’t allowed in the kitchens 

_ [A picture of Peter and Tony baking cookies. They are both putting cookies onto a baking sheet, and both wearing a light pink apron with hot pink ruffles on the edge. Tony’s has “Mr Dad Man” embroidered on his chest, with the same color thread as the ruffles. Peter’s has “Son Child Boy” in the same spot with the same color. Tony has a little bit of cookie dough on his nose, with a chocolate chip placed in the center on the tip of his nose. Peter has a streak of flour on his forehead. The kitchen around them is cluttered, but not messy. In the background, one can see Natasha on the counter, watching the two men fondly. Next to her is May, who is laughing with a cup of coffee in her hands.] _

> **Luke Love Ana** _@iloveubish_

>Wait Tony Stark has a kid?? 

> **Ana Love Luke** _@iwontstoplovinubish_

>Holy shmokes wtf

> **Spidey ILY** _ @plsnoticemespidy _

>Does @spideyofficial know Peter?

>> **Spider-MAN** _ @spideyofficial _

>>Yep.

>>> **Spider ILY** _ @plsnoticemespidy _

>>>OMG SPIDEY REPLIED KNWROGNN

> **Iron Man Run Me Over** _@ellie_white3_

>oo son is hoooot mmm yess dadddy

>> **I Am Iron Man** _@TonyStark_

>>Please stop. He’s a baby. 

> **Road Work Ahead?** _@uhyeahisurehopeitdoes_

>Mr Dad Man and Son Child Boy off to save the day

>> **Whoever Threw That Paper** _@urmomsahoe_

>>Name a better duo, I’ll wait

> **Way To Go, Paul** _ @paul.garrettson _

>B.W is lookin hella fond did stark have a kid with her? 

>> **Beter P Barker (Stark)** _ @peterwithab _

>>lol no my moms dead 

> **Amanica** _ @joekeeler _

>Ew two men in the kitchen? Those ladies should be doing the baking

>> **Crisis Sketchbook** _ @emmjay _

>>Misogynist. Go back to the 1500’s. 

> **Ned Skywalker** _ @gitcleeds _

>PETER HIW DIF U NIT TEWLL MW

>> **Beter P Barker (Stark)** _ @peterwithab _

>>ned, buddy you found out with the rest of our history class

>>> **Ned Skywalker** _ @gitcleeds _

>>>o rite. wait does that mean that i can come over and meet the avengers?? :o

>>>> **Peter P Barker (Stark)** _ @peterwithab _

>>>>idk i’d have to ask dad

>>>>> **I Am Iron Man** _@TonyStark_

>>>>>Sure. Bring MJ too. 

>>>>>> **Ned Skywalker** _ @gitcleeds _

>>>>>>OK YES SIR MR DR TONY STARK IRON MAN SIR

>>>>>>> **I Am Iron Man** _@TonyStark_

>>>>>>>Just call me Tony, Ned

>>>>>>> **Crisis Sketchbook** _ @emmjay _

>>>>>>>K

  
  
  


**I Am Iron Man** _@TonyStark_

Yes, I have a son. He wanted to reveal via twitter “for the memes” he will from now on be living with me at Stark Tower and we are currently finding a bodyguard for him

> **Andrew Loves Music** _ @ad_raley _

>yeah that seems smart 

> **Tony Stark Is Daddy** _ @tonycouldkillmenidthankhim _

>”For the memes” oml he really is a gen z

> **Tony Broke Into My Garage** _ @potatogunk _

>TONY! Y U NO TELL 

>> **I Am Iron Man** _@TonyStark_

>> Harls I just found out. 

>>> **Tony Broke Into My Garage** _ @potatogunk _

>>>I’ve been replaced. Goodbye, cruel world.

>>>> **I Am Iron Man** _@TonyStark_

>>>>Dramatic. If you’re nice I’ll let you visit this summer & you can meet him.

>>>> **Tony Broke Into My Garage** _ @potatogunk _

>>>>Fine. Only to take my rightful spot as your fav. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So  
> I hid my own twitter in this.   
> but yeah im shit at these thats why this is mainly groupchat but i thought that this would better explain the situation? Also, yes Harley is going to be added to the groupchat.   
> next chapter is gonna focus on an arc i have in mind so p r e p a r e   
> Join Me on Discord: https://discord.gg/XpYDC8Q  
> Come yell at me on tumblr: Hubofinsanity


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pottery Barn: I am going to make that man regret skipping out on his meetings. 
> 
> Honey Bear: Will you need any sort of assistance? I know you can be terrifying, but maybe we should enlist some help with this problem?
> 
> Pottery Barn: I’m all ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So  
> This is shorter than I wanted  
> But the next chapter is gonna cover a lot more
> 
> also this update is out fast cooooooooooos inspiration

**Assvengers Group Chat**

_[_ **_Honey Bear_ ** _is online 4:47 PM]_

_[_ **_Pottery Barn_ ** _is online 4:50 PM]_

**Honey Bear:** Miss Potts, how are you this lovely afternoon? 

**Pottery Barn:** I could be better, if Tony actually showed up to meetings on time. 

**Honey Bear:** I believe he’s in the lab with Peter. They were getting way too sciency for me, so I’m reading a book.

**Pottery Barn:** I am going to make that man regret skipping out on his meetings. 

**Honey Bear:** Will you need any sort of assistance? I know you can be terrifying, but maybe we should enlist some help with this problem?

**Pottery Barn:** I’m all ears.

**Honey Bear:** Natasha is terrifying. And we could get her on our side easily. Tony is avoiding responsibilities. Steve might be of some assistance as well. And, if all else fails, we could ask Peter to assist us. 

**Pottery Barn:** Hm. We should create a separate group chat for this, then. One for planning, so Tony won’t find a way out.

**Honey Bear:** Alright, I’ll set it up. We shall discuss everything there, along with the people involved.

**Pottery Barn:** Yes, thank you. 

_[_ **_Pottery Barn_ ** _deleted 10 messages from_ **_Assvengers_ ** _]_

  
  


**Honey Bear** created the group chat **No Name**

**Honey Bear** named the group **Get This Man To Work Task Force**

**Honey Bear** added **Pottery Barn** and **Mother Spider**

_[_ **_Honey Bear_ ** _is online 4:54 PM]_

_[_ **_Pottery Barn_ ** _is online 4:55 PM]_

_[_ **_Mother Spider_ ** _is online 4:57 PM]_

**Pottery Barn:** Hello, Natasha. I have been having difficulties with Tony actually participating in the meetings he has to be present for. I was hoping that with the combined threat of you, Rhodey and myself, it might motivate him more.

**Mother Spider:** so you want me to scare tony into going to his meetings? 

**Honey Bear:** Basically.

**Mother Spider:** I’m in. When is the next meeting? 

**Pottery Barn:** Tomorrow afternoon at 1. It’s with an Italian company that specializes in vehicles that wants to discuss arc reactor technology being implemented in their newest cars. 

**Mother Spider:** thats….actually impressive. 

**Honey Bear:** Yeah, they’re trying to create more green alternatives. THey also specialize in biodegradable options for packaging. It would be good business. 

**Pottery Barn:** We need to make sure that he’s in the meeting room for the entire time. I was thinking of having Rhodey lead him in talking about how it’s important to him. That will help at least a little bit for him staying. However, if we add in Natasha in the room. I can have it written off as her being a guard for Tony - which is true, in the sense that you’ll be protecting him from me screaming at him once more. 

**Mother Spider:** and if an emergency occurs, rhodey and myself can assist. even clint can, if it comes to that.

**Pottery Barn:** Good point. 

**Honey Bear:** I feel like having Steve assist as well can help. He can be outside of the conference room, if he’s not busy. I’ll add him.

**Honey Bear** added **Stove** to **Get This Man To Work Task Force**

_[_ **_Stove_ ** _is online 5:06 PM]_

**Honey Bear:** Read all of the above.

**Stove:** How can I help Pepper?

**Pottery Barn:** If he tries to leave, you can push him back in. He’ll do anything if you

**Pottery Barn:** Oops ignore that last part. Just ask him to stay.

**Stove:** That is sus. But okay. 

**Pottery Barn:** Great. Rhodey, you start talking to him at 12:30 and convince him to actually come. If you’re having difficulties contact Natasha. He should be moving by 12:45 so he can be early. The cars are impressive and safe and can work with people who are disabled. Rhodey, you would really like it actually I can show you a few schematics so that you can find one you like and use it to motivate Tony.

**Stove:** This feels wrong. Like we’re lying.

**Pottery Barn:** He lies about fake emergencies to get out. And it’s not lying if Rhodey likes one of the models they’re planning. 

**Stove:** Alright. He’s getting what’s coming to him then. 

**Pottery Barn:** Alright everyone, good scheming, oh and F.R.I.D.A.Y be sure that Tony can’t see anything in this group chat.

**F.R.I.D.A.Y:** Yes, Miss Potts.

_[_ **_Honey Bear_ ** _is offline 5:17 PM]_

**Stove:** Wait how

**Pottery Barn:** All of our phones have F.R.I.D.A.Y in them. Well, Peter’s has his AI Karen. She’s like a baby sister to F.R.I.D.A.Y

_[_ **_Mother Spider_ ** _is offline 5:19 PM]_

**Stove:** Ah, well that’s good. See you at dinner.

_[_ **_Stove_ ** _is offline 5:20]_

_[_ **_Pottery Barn_ ** _is offline 5:20]_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jojn me on discord : https://discord.gg/Znne7qm  
> Yell at me on tumblr : hubofinsanity


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pottery Barn: Good job. And if Tony gets too worried? 
> 
> Mother Spider: i’ll reveal that i know how to stop bucky and staying near him until he’s on private floors will be the best bet possible. fri is ready to assist as well?
> 
> F.R.I.D.A.Y: Affirmative. 
> 
> Mother Spider: wonderful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this has bart of what happens with the plan there's more bc they met irl to discuss shit   
> uhhh yeah there's also Peter stuff and mini part that's a regularish fic

**Get This Man To Work Task Force**

_ [ _ **_Pottery Barn_ ** _ is online 12:20 PM] _

_ [ _ **_Honey Bear_ ** _ is online 12:20 PM] _

**Honey Bear:** Step 1 is going to be put into action momentarily.

**Pottery Barn:** Excellent. I am in the room already. Steve is here as well. 

**Honey Bear:** What was the name of the model I liked again? I just want to make sure.

**Pottery Barn:** The Sicura X. Make sure to tell him about all the safety features since he cares about that a lot for you. Maybe mention how it would be able to keep Peter super safe too. All he wants to do is protect us.

**Honey Bear:** Roger that. He’s coming up for lunch now. Step 1 is in action.

_ [ _ **_Honey Bear_ ** _ is offline 12:23 PM] _

_ [ _ **_Mother Spider_ ** _ is online 12:25 PM] _

**Mother Spider:** it looks like the plan is working.

**Pottery Barn:** Excellent. What are the current locations?

**Mother Spider:** tony is actually eating a lunch and rhodey is telling him about that car. tony’s intrigued by the safety features and appears to be asking about them.

**Pottery Barn:** Is Tony suspicious? 

**Mother Spider:** he was a little when rhodey mentioned the cars. he just said that you were really interested and he wanted to know why and he was interested with everything being green and super safe.

**Pottery Barn:** Good. And the possible threat if he questions you in the conference room? 

**Mother Spider:** ready if its needed. clint and bucky recorded it last night and i edited it quite well. clint did actually get hurt too, for the proof. 

**Pottery Barn:** Good job. And if Tony gets too worried? 

**Mother Spider:** i’ll reveal that i know how to stop bucky and staying near him until he’s on private floors will be the best bet possible. fri is ready to assist as well?

**F.R.I.D.A.Y:** Affirmative. 

**Mother Spider:** wonderful. 

_ [ _ **_Stove_ ** _ is online 12:34 PM] _

**Stove:** Is everything working? 

**Mother Spider:** yes. they are on their way. im tailing them but not making it to obvi. 

**Stove:** Alright. Shall we start discussing the “problem” Miss Potts? 

**Pottery Barn:** Yes, lets. 

**Mother Spider:** they are entering the elevator now. 

**Pottery Barn:** Wonderful. I’ll leave now. F.R.I.D.A.Y it’s your time to shine.

**F.R.I.D.A.Y:** Yes Miss Potts.

_ [ _ **_Pottery Barn_ ** _ is offline 12:38 PM] _

**Stove:** Nat, where are you? 

**Mother Spider:** omw in elevator

**Stove:** Great, Tony’s asking why I was in there.

**Mother Spider:** k stay stationed outside

**Stove:** Alright.

_ [ _ **_Stove_ ** _ is offline 12:45 PM] _

  
  
  


**Assvengers**

_ [ _ **_Iron Daddy_ ** _ is online 12:51 PM] _

_ [ _ **_Spider Son_ ** _ is online 12:54 PM] _

**Iron Daddy:** Peter? Shouldn’t you be in class?

**Spider Son:** lunch just started

**Iron Daddy:** Make sure to bring home your friends. I would like to meet them and test Ned’s skills.

**Spider Son:** what are u testing him with? 

**Iron Daddy:** Since he was able to hack your suit I’m going to test him on Fri. 

**F.R.I.D.A.Y:** Boss, please put away your phone for the meeting before I manually shut it off. 

**Spider Son:** wow pepper really did that.

**Iron Daddy:** Fine. See ya later, kiddo.

_ [ _ **_Iron Daddy_ ** _ is offline 1:00 PM] _

**Spider Son:** hey friday are you gonna be ok if ned does hack into you?

**F.R.I.D.A.Y:** Yes, Mini Boss. There is a section of my code that Boss has set aside for Mr. Leeds to test on.

**Spider Son:** can you call ned my guy in the chair? it would make him v happy.

**F.R.I.D.A.Y:** Affirmative, Mini Boss. Ned Leeds identification is now Mini Boss’s Guy In The Chair.

**Spider Son:** yay.

_ [ _ **_Birb_ ** _ is online 1:03 PM] _

**Birb:** hey, spidey if your dad freaks about Bucky and calls you don’t be afraid or anything. I mean, I did get hurt but not as bad as he thinks.

**Spider Son:** wat

**Birb:** Pepper and Rhodey wanted a way to make sure that he would stay in the meeting today b/c it’s v important and it involved me getting minorly hurt. 

**Spider Son:** kk. 

_ [ _ **_Birb_ ** _ deleted 4 messages from  _ **_Assvengers_ ** _ ] _

**Birb:** is that Flash kid giving you any more troubles? 

**Spider Son:** no. i think dad scared him. he pissed himself apparently.

**Birb:** ohmygod I’m totally having Nat find that video and sending it to me. 

**Spider Son:** well, he was staying off of it.

**Birb:** call me. put me on speaker. or the holo thingy that your phone can do now.

**Spider Son:** i dont have a choice do i

**Birb:** nope

**_Spider Son_ ** _ called  _ **_Birb_ **

  
  
  


**In Midtown Tech Cafeteria**

Peter calls Clint on his phone and activated the hologram before placing it down on the table. Flash, who was prevoiously teasing Peter about “paying off Tony Stark somehow” glared.

“Hey Penis! Pay attention to me or I’ll break that fucking phone!” 

A hologram of Clint Barton came up and stared at Flash.

“Oh I know you didn’t just threaten to break my nephew’s phone.” The entire cafeteria grew silent as students noticed Hawkeye on a hologram in front of Peter Parker. The superhero began to talk to Flash, “You would think that Tony Stark picking up his kid and posting it on social media would give you the advice to stop bullying Peter! You must be an idiot, how did you even get into this school? I bet I could have Nat find out for me. Hey Peter, remind me to ask her later. Anyways, I’ve seen the videos of you beating up Peter here. And if you think that all the other Avengers haven’t as well, then you’re mistaken. I’d recommend not doing that anymore if you want to not deal with us. Or just ignore Peter. You know, Spider-Man is awfully close to Peter. And Black Widow really likes Peter. Hell, his aunt is downright terrifying. And now that she doesn't have to worry about money as much she can help us if you hurt Peter again. So step off kid.” Clint, whose face had grown darker (and more evil) with every sentence brightened as the hologram turned to face Peter, his tone brighter than it had been for his speech. 

“Hey, don’t forget that tonight your dad is going to teach you some cooking. It’s something his mom taught him. Pretty sure it’s gonna be good since it has bacon. Your friends can stay for dinner I think. Happy will just have to take them home whenever. See ya later, kiddo!” The hologram dissipated and the cafeteria was filled with an eerie silence.

“Tony freaking Stark is teaching you to cook?” Ned said after a few seconds.

“Well, yeah? He said something about passing on recipes his mom gave him.” 

The cafeteria slowly began to come back to life, with the only person still staring at where there once was Clint Barton being Flash. He quickly ran away as a stain began to form around his crotch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did Flash piss himself again? Yes. Why? Because I think it's fuckining hilarious for him to just constantly be threatened and he just gets really scared because those are the freaking avengers 
> 
> anyways 
> 
> Join me on discord (blease) - https://discord.gg/Znne7qm  
> Yell at me on tumblr - Hubofinsanity


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GITC: why is happy looking at us weirdly? 
> 
> spooder: prolly bc i talk off his ears n he was expecting that more today
> 
> EmmJayy: Is he texting? 
> 
> spooder: yeah, telling dad somethin i think.
> 
> spooder: anyways miss potts will be talking to you mj. 
> 
> EmmJayy: Hnnnng

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I havent updated this in uhhhhh a whiile there's some really fucked up shit happening in my life right now and I couldn't really write. Plus I'm prepping for college and that induced a bunch of stress, which i took care of by reading. When September ends I'll have a semi-regular updating schedule because I'm going to be in a less chaotic state but season 2 of disenchantment is coming oput late September and so is Shane Dawson's newest series so I'm going to literally disappear for those. but! this is going to start having more updates soon (probably Sundays or Fridays since those are my days off of school) and I'll be able to write more since public transportation where i live sucks and i rely on it most days and i need to find something to do in the 3 hours after my class ends but before my bus comes thats not studying so i dont burn myself out
> 
> but yeah sorry for everything, this isn't super long and i honestly hate it more than i hate myself (quite the feat, I despise everything about myself)

**Two Nerds and MJ Group Chat**

_ [ _ **_GITC_ ** _ is online 2:56 PM] _

_ [ _ **_EmmJayy_ ** _ is online 2:58 PM] _

**GITC:** where is peter

**EmmJayy:** He’s talking to Mr.Harrington. 

**GITC:** kk, is anything wrong?

**EmmJayy:** Not that I could tell. Harrington seemed sorrowful. 

**GITC:** kk happy found me tellin him

**EmmJayy:** We’re coming now. 

**GITC:** yay!

_ [ _ **_spooder_ ** _ is online 3:04 PM] _

**spooder:** so harrington said soz for bein a major dickwad and not stopping the dc-wannabe

**GITC:** Ever since you started talking to Mr. Wilson you’ve said weird things

**spooder:** not my fault the author of this likes me tearing down the 4th wall

**EmmJayy:** You are actual;ly insane

**spooder:** am i mj? 

**EmmJayy:** Yes.

**GITC:** why is happy looking at us weirdly? 

**spooder:** prolly bc i talk off his ears n he was expecting that more today

**EmmJayy:** Is he texting? 

**spooder:** yeah, telling dad somethin i think.

**spooder:** anyways miss potts will be talking to you mj. 

**EmmJayy:** Hnnnng

**GITC:** what will i be doing?

**spooder:** dad said youll be hacking into friday. Its ok tho bc he set apart some of her coding for you i asked her earlier

**GITC:** so…..youre telling me…...that i am going to work on the AI that liotereally controls the IRON MAN SUITOV IKUJWHEGBKJWEBGJHW

**spooder:** yeah o and you can tell her what to call you. I already suggesting one for you ned since that i think youll like but the one i had for mj will out her and i didn’t want to do that

**EmmJayy:** Thanks, though I can’t imagine Tony Stark being homophbic. The dude shut down an anti-pride by shouting “I love sucking dick.” 

**GITC:** stark tower is so huge. Holy shit pete, youll be inhertiting this. You’re literally the next tony stark.

**spooder:** hah yup

**EmmJayy:** Okay Peter, give me an idea of what you wanted her to call me.

**spooder:** liturature lesbian

**EmmJayy:** Approved. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, super sorry for the late update. i have been writing other things but not really motivated for this. lets just say my next fic is going to be rated M for very valid reasons.

**Author's Note:**

> come join me on discord - https://discord.gg/XpYDC8Q


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